admittance - 9.13.2018.


lately life has been feeling a bit anxious. i feel like a lot of people are growing up and admitting their faults, facing the results of the decisions they made years prior (without thinking too much about the future). personally, i’m at a stand-still. on one hand, “NYNYNYNY” is about to release next week, i graced my first billboard (up above, Depop) and everything has never been so organized on the back-end (Payday Records wise, in-house team wise, rolodex wise). on the other hand, i’m still broker than i expected to be by this time. i turn 26 next month and feel on edge - i know no longer if time is grooming me to lead or leaving me to decay. i’m an optimistic person so i always maintain a smile no matter, because i know the science of positive thinking and how it correlates into what eventually transpires into your life. still though - i feel like i’m not where i’m supposed to be, or where i’ve worked to be rather. i’m coming of age, i’m thinking about having a family one day. i’m thinking about and realizing how my parents are aging. some of my friends have been letting their dreams wither. and overall it feels like the small wins for so many years are starting to tire out my believers, they want something BIG to happen for me. i do too. i need to. i broke down and cried in the middle of a rainstorm on Sunday walking down Bleecker St. by myself on Sunday after the OC fashion week party - i needed that cry. i needed to just pray to God out loud, admit my insecurities, admit my blessings, and just not put on the tough face all the time. we all feel things, we all desire, we all work towards, and we all feel left behind or not cared for at times. i’m becoming stronger though- i can admit that i’ve never been stronger. my voice carries my lifeline, i’m not ashamed of truth, i don’t armor myself with ego to fend off the enemy of pride. i know that my art will be a success, because in my music is the dna of looking into the mirror and hugging without judgement what you see. i’m grateful to have a platform, no matter the size, where someone will be inspired by what i do - the same way i’ve been inspired in the past. as artists, we long for immortality, we’re super conscious of death one day, but not in a morbid way really. i write to prove that i exist. i scream, and rap, and flow, and mutter, and grunt my truths. i want to make you feel important when you listen to me, i want to remind my listener that i too am with you in this experience. continue to experience with me. stay with me on this journey. i pray to God and all the good angels that i may be blessed with a success that is abundant enough to share with as many as i am inspired to help. there are people who are counting on me to win, and i intend to see them smile in the end. millions of dollars produced from my music will be used to empower the ignored but the needed. i know how a helping hand can feel like a moving mountain when timed right, when given with love and not debt. my mother tries to calm me down a lot, she knows i just want to help. i need to help. i feel good about the future. i feel good about the now. even when i weep, i feel good about the now. my shine is coming, it let me know its on its way now.